Sibling relationships are one of the most important relationships in anyone’s life. Being neurotypical and having an autistic sibling can be challenging but it is also very rewarding and can result in a lifelong unbreakable bond between siblings.
If you are a parent of both a neurotypical and an autistic child, you might feel a little lost between the two and that’s normal. With some basic guidelines, you can find the perfect balance to help your children understand each other and get along.
Explain what autism is
You might think that your neurotypical child knows what autism is just by living with an autistic sibling, but that’s always the case. Your child might have caught some glimpses of information here and there but they probably don’t know everything they need to know.
It is helpful to make the time to explain to your child what autism means and how it affects their sibling’s behaviour and needs. Your child might have more questions than you can answer but try to give them as much information as possible depending on their age.
Not explaining this can result in them making up their own ideas about what it is. Some siblings may think it is an illness and that they may catch it themselves. Some may think that their sibling is going to die.
Make time to spend with them
Having an autistic child can be all-consuming. But while you’re giving your autistic child your all, you might, unintentionally, ignore one of your neurotypical child’s needs: attention.
Your neurotypical child is very aware of how much time you spend with their autistic sibling. In their mind, this might be translated as you not caring about them enough and it can affect their relationship with their sibling. To avoid this, you need to intentionally make time for your child. Take them on errands, have one-on-one time while going for a drive or plan a special activity to do together. All this will help your child feel seen and loved.
Little things mean a lot! You can leave notes for them in their lunchbox or on their pillow. Notice the little things that they do and comment on their strengths and helpfulness.
Be fair with rules and chores
For children, the concept of “fairness” is tied closely to what rules apply to them and their siblings, and how many chores everyone has to do. Try to apply most of the rules and expectations to both of your children. If you tell your neurotypical child off for being rude, do the same for your autistic child. Set the same bedtime for both children and try to have a similar bedtime routine. Not all the rules will be easily applied but do your best.
For chores, the trick is to give everyone chores but divide them according to their abilities. If you ask your child to help dust off the surfaces, you can ask your autistic child to put the toys back in their place. Divide the chores so no one feels like they’re expected to work more.
Always validate their feelings
Having an autistic sibling can make your neurotypical child feel lonely or left behind. You need to express your love and affection as much as you can and make sure they know that you see and care about them just as much as their sibling.
Your child might sometimes feel frustrated, sad or angry about having an autistic sibling who is so different from them. Do not dismiss their feelings or make them feel guilty, but rather try to understand them. Let them know that their feelings are validated and give them the space to talk about their emotions openly and truthfully so they don’t build up resentment.
When your neurotypical child has a close, healthy relationship based on love and understanding with their autistic sibling, they will become their lifelong advocate and supporter. They will stand up for them, they will encourage others to understand and accept them, and they will forever have a bond that cannot be broken.
For further information and tips:
National Autistic Society – Family Relations
For advice and professional help, check out:
Sibs – For brothers and sisters of disabled children and adults
Let your children have some fun, bonding time as they watch these wonderful animated movies:
Loop: a movie about a non-verbal autistic girl.
Robin Robin: a movie about accepting oneself and seeing your own strengths.
