The death of Queen Elizabeth II has affected every British household. She has been an integral part of our lives for the past 70 years. With all the talk about her death and the upcoming funeral, children are sure to have many questions and feelings they don’t know how to deal with.
Death is a difficult topic to discuss, even among adults. But at least adults understand what death is and how it makes them feel. For young children, death can be very confusing. And the feelings that accompany such a grave event can be hard to understand or manage.
That’s why it’s very important for parents to prepare their children for the experience of mourning and to help them understand and regulate all the different feelings that come with it.
Ease your child into it
It’s very helpful if your child has an idea of what death means before they have to experience it. You can start with very simple examples such as a plant dying. Explain how this plant is now dead and cannot come back. Your child might try to water it to bring it back and that is a good time to explain that when something is dead it can no longer eat or drink so it can’t come back.
Your child might not understand the permeance of death the first time you explain it. You can also use a dead insect to explain how permanent death is. Give your child the opportunity to ask questions and answer as well as you can.
There are some lovely age-appropriate story books that help children learn and understand death and the feelings that go with it.
- The Invisible String by Patrice Karst: A book about the unbreakable connections between loved ones.
- Badger’s Parting Gift by Susan Varley: A book about the everlasting gifts that people leave behind.
- Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine by Diana Crossley: An activity book that helps children recongise and deal with their feelings when someone they love dies.
For more books and resources for both parents and children, check out this reading list by Scholastic.
In the unfortunate event of the death of someone close to you and your child, there are certain steps recommended by professionals and child therapists you can take. Let’s explore them.
Use direct language
According to the Child Mind Institute, no matter how young your child is you need to refrain from using euphemisms about death. Telling your child that the person “went to sleep” or “passed away” can be scary and confusing. Your child might misunderstand and become afraid of going to bed themselves thinking they too might just not wake up.
Use direct language saying that the person is dead while explaining the permanence of the situation. Relate it to something they know, like the plant or the butterfly dying on the porch.
Be prepared for their reaction
Children will react to the news of someone’s death differently than adults. Their grieving process will not be the same as yours. According to a study by UNICEF, you can expect the child’s reaction according to their age. Here is a simple guide:
Children under 5 years old will have a hard time grasping the concept of death. They might cling to a close adult or regress to old habits like wetting their beds, sucking their thumbs or using baby talk.
Children aged 6 to 11 years old will have a clearer understanding of the permanence of death. They might show anxiety about other people around them dying. They will probably have lots of questions. And they might express grief through anger or physical pain.
Children aged 12 and older usually understand what death is. They are more likely to be aware of the possibility of it happening to anyone including themselves. They will probably have questions about how the person died. Their emotions can vary from anger to extreme sadness to confusion.
Stick to their routine
Children like a fixed routine and with such a huge change in their life, it will be good for them if you can stick to as much family routine as you can. Try to have meals at meal time and go to bed at bedtime as well. You can also give them a chore to do so they occupy themselves.
Sticking to their daily routine also helps them understand that even though death is hard, life moves on and it’s okay to go back to what they were doing before.
Express your emotions
Children mimic the reactions of adults when they don’t know how to feel themselves. Don’t be afraid to express your emotions around them. Seeing their parent deal with their feelings of grief in a healthy way will encourage the child to understand and express their own feelings.
You might feel like you would rather shield your child from this experience but it will only teach them to suppress their emotions.
Death is the only permanent thing in life. It’s also the only thing that is sure to happen to all of us one day. You might find it hard to talk about but your child deserves to learn that grief and sadness over losing someone they loved or even a pet they had is normal. It’s always better to raise an emotionally healthy child who knows how to connect to their feelings.
For more resources:
Children and bereavement – NHS
Helping Children Cope With Grief – Child Mind Institute
How to talk to your children about the death of a loved one – UNICEF
Read this blog post for more about helping your child deal with feelings of anger.
